Martin Bodker Fritzen
“STOP NOW, MARTIN!! Why don’t you just stop?”
We are standing in our toilet in our apartment, and my girlfriend has caught me taking amphetamines and eating a couple of painkillers. I have promised her many times that I would stop, but I can’t handle it. She sits disheartened on the toilet and whispers: “I can’t anymore. I can’t anymore, Martin”. Tears role slowly down her cheek, and black mascara lines are drawn on her skin.
It’s a beautiful spring day in May .The suns rays warm my face through the window. I can hear the birds sing and neighbors boys playing football in front of the toilet window. I’m standing in front of my girlfriend trying to console her; she hits my hand hard, “LET ME BE“, she shouts and calms down. It’s as if she has used all her anger.
I get eye contact with her and see her powerlessness and frustration- she has given up, I think. Suddenly she says very quietly:” Why can’t I help you? I’ll do anything for you. Help you with everything. Why don’t you want that?…Why don’t you stop?….I’ll support you…Martin?!…Answer me! MARTIN!…
“Yes,yes, I’ve heard you”…I hear myself saying.
I’ve been in this situation a million times before. I’m overwhelmed by a great guilt I can’t handle. I’m aware that it’s not good to eat 50 different painkillers every day, and on top of that take amphetamines and cocaine.
Again and again i’m revealed and caught lying, stealing, being unfaithful, and I’m aware that my behavior is stupid, and that i’m not contributing with anything constructive to this world. It would actually be easier if I wasn’t here at all. I’m so filled with shame, that I could vomit over my behavior. I view myself in the toilet mirror, and am disgusted by the image, fuck; I’m so vile! How… I even have a girlfriend is quite incomprehensible.
I feel the anger and hatred of myself fill my body. My stomach knots up and hurts. My body heats up more. The nausea fills my throat and mouth cavity- I’m about to explode inside! I hate myself! Hate the person I am, hate what I’m doing. Hate that I’m constantly hurting other people and..yes..myself. Arghhhh!!! My brain, my body, my mind and everything in between is filled with hatred against myself and the person I am..and nothing else enters.
“Martin, answer me! Let me help you! We will get through it together”.
I notice that my girlfriends anger has subsided a little, and her tone has changed to something that sounds like compassion and sensitivity. She is still crying, Her love and compassionate human wish to help me, accentuates even more my intense self hatred. She is so good. I’m very wicked.
Like on the weighing scales, where my self hatred, my dependency, abuse and drugs, lie on one side, weighing ten tons. On the other side of the scales is my girlfriend, who with her love for me wants to support and help me; she weighs ten grams. The drugs will always win.S he doesn’t have a chance. All her opinions, that we will do it together, we will do it, as long as you are honest. It will happen. And all her help, relating to her driving me to the doctor. Driving me to work. Washing clothes. Paying for food etc,etc. None of this can compare with the ten tons of self hatred, my dependency and importance of the drugs weigh. I can’t go on like this…I can’t no more……….
I look at her, and gaze deep into her eyes -my self hatred is great, and the little hope that exists to find a way out, does not emerge at all.